I occasionally get a client and a parent in my office who are at odds about some particular relationship drama. This could be any mix of adult / child or relationship type imaginable, but let’s pick the traditional stereotype of the teen girl who’s going through a break-up. She thinks her world is falling apart and her mother, who’s secretly happy because the relationship wasn’t good in the first place, is trying to comfort her daughter with those traditional tropes; you know, the “there are other fish in the sea” kinda things. Now for the sake of diplomacy, most of the time in this case I’ll say, “Well honestly you’re both right.” But really, the daughter is more right. So what did mom know that she’s forgotten since she was a teen?

There’s a reason this feels so big and important to you right now … It’s because it is. It is exactly as important as you think it is. In fact, it could very well be the most important thing in your life, possibly ever. The only thing you’re wrong about is that it’s not about this boy. (Or girl, or friend, or drama.) This is actually about all of your relationships for the next 70 years. Right now in your development you’re supposed to be learning how to navigate love and friendships, bystanders and frenemies. How to recognize betrayal, and loyalty. It’s even about how you respond to being confused, because that happens a lot in life. It’s so important because this is how you learn to predict who will be good for you and who will injure you, practice. And it’s important right now, because this is the perfect age to practice, to screw up, to get better, and try again. It’s much better to learn now than after 10 years of marriage and few kids. 

But there’s actually a neurological reason mom lost that gut-level connection to the this reality that she understood when she was a teenager … it’s called neuronal (or synaptic) pruning. Sometime around 19 to 24, the brain finishes off its development by going through its filing cabinet and throwing out any files it’s not using anymore. But this isn’t the only time that happens. The same thing happened to you around age 5. By that time you didn’t need the memories of learning to walk and weren’t using them anymore. Once you knew how, you could just throw those memories out and free up that space for other things.  — The same thing happens with teen relationships actually.

In my office I’ll start the conversation with mom’s side and say, “Of course you’re right that there are other fish in the sea, and yes, basically everyone will come to understand this as they grow up.” A teen might even believes this right now, which actually might be the opposite of helpful if it makes her feel dumb or invalidated for having such a big reaction. The teenager knows if it was possible to just replace the relationship, they would feel better. But at the same time, relationships can’t just be replaced, can they? But basically every adult repeats some version of “it’s not as important as you think,” and “you’ll find someone else,” so how can they all be wrong? Here’s where I turn to the teen…

“Thing is, you’re right too. You’re actually more right.”  And at the risk of giving away one of my favorite magical therapeutic moments (although still trying not to be Oz here), let me explain the whole picture.

So yes, it feels so “life and death” because in the future, perhaps even now, it may be life and death. Decisions about who can be trusted, and how much, may absolutely have life and death consequences. When you’re an adult you may have to go into a new city where you know nothing and no one but will have to make allies and get good information from people … now is when you’re learning those skills. 

And just like mom, you’ll also forget just how important the process of learning to walk was. 

Here’s the key: Adults are right, this particular boy doesn’t matter, but the habits you start forming in your relationships now, may be the most important thing in your life. Whether they’re abusive or supportive, these patterns will be what you tend to do in your adult relationships for the rest of your life. If you put up with bad treatment now, you’ll probably still be doing some version of that at 40. If you treat others badly and lose friends or too fearfully and end up finding yourself isolated, or can’t stand up for your own needs — well then you may very well still feel alone in your relationships when you’re a grandparent. If you stay with someone because of guilt, are too headstrong to take criticism, too afraid to give others enough space, too afraid to be vulnerable, or chase after people who hurt and reject you … or heck, chase away people who are good to you, that will probably set the pattern for your marriage (if you want to get married). 

Now is the absolutely best time to learn these skills.

You can always take a failed class again, you can always get a different job, but if you don’t learn to do relationships during this developmental period, it will require a lot more effort to fix. Certainly it’s not impossible. I work with a lot of 35 year olds who are just figuring things out now, but I promise you prevention is much better than trying to address it later.

So the emotions may think they’re asking “what should I do about this boy / girl / friend?” but what they really need to focus on is the question “Am I approaching this right?” And no, that isn’t an easy question at all. It’s not a math problem you can solve or some cliche you should trust in. In fact you might not even know the answer to the question for several more years when you look back at your relationships. But yes, it’s exactly as important as you think it is, it’s just that this exact situation isn’t.

And actually — this is true of so many things in life. The event itself is so much less important than how the event is handled.